When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Always and never are two words you should
always remember never to use.
I've never been drunk, but often I've been
over served.
The road to success is always under
construction.
I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen!
Marriage is one of the chief causes of
divorce.
Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of
your time.
When everything's coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.
Born free; Taxed to death.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some
people just don't have film.
Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up
to.
I love being a writer... what I can't stand is
the paperwork.
A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case,
the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
The hardest part of skating is the ice.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an
idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was
the genius.
The trouble with being punc tual is that
there's no one there to appreciate it.
If our constitution allows us free speech, why
are there phone bills?
If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars
in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell
him a park bench has just been painted, he has to
touch it to be sure.
Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the
sudden stop at the end.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder.
Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino's
Law of Burnt Fingers)
The cigarette does the smoking - you are just
the sucker.
Someday is not a day of the week